why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
