wakey wakey hands off snakey
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
