i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
