mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
