Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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