He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
