I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
