the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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