I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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