Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
