dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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