My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
