I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
