dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
