its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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