so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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