just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize