i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
