if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
