You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
