Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
