watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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