Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
