So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
