YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
