Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
