My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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