I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
