I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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