Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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