You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
