K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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