and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They took my balls.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
