The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
