I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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