i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
