oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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