and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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