have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
