I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
