My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
