The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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