You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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