I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
