she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
