FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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