I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
