she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
