I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
