fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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