everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
