god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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