He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
