my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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