Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
