even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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