Soap is not a condiment
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
